<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Jigsaw of a Man (put together piece by piece) by 1PB2PB3PB4</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26273071">Jigsaw of a Man (put together piece by piece)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/1PB2PB3PB4/pseuds/1PB2PB3PB4'>1PB2PB3PB4</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Trans Cole Phelps [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>L.A. Noire</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, Gen, Implied/Referenced Transphobia, Pre-Canon, Trans Cole, Trans Male Character, Transphobia</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 05:52:58</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,968</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26273071</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/1PB2PB3PB4/pseuds/1PB2PB3PB4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In 1920, a brand new decade, a brand new baby boy is born to parents Hannah and Richard Phelps, little brother to Jack Phelps. Of course none of them actually realise this until later, at the time they think there’s a little sister.</p><p>Cole is a man, and if he has to forge himself piece by piece then so be it.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Cole Phelps/Marie Phelps</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Trans Cole Phelps [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1908370</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Jigsaw of a Man (put together piece by piece)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Okay, so there's some kind of heavy stuff in this one, because while this is quite a nice look at how being trans in the 20s/30s/40s would actually be for Cole it wouldn't all be nice.</p><p>Implications/discussions of hate crimes, abuse, rape, and suicide all feature to some extent (didn't tag because they're not major but they're there)</p><p>I hope you enjoy and please let me know if you find any mistakes.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Many years ago in 1920, a brand new decade, a brand new baby boy is born to parents Hannah and Richard Phelps, little brother to Jack Phelps. Of course none of them actually realise this until later, at the time they think there’s a little sister, and they promptly give this child a name which is now considered irrelevant by the vast majority of people who were present for this birth.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Therefore the name Cole, which this little boy will later be known as when a grown man, shall be used instead.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’s born in Larkspur, California, a small town, but one just about near enough to San Francisco to be worth visiting for special occasions. Later when this boy has grown into a man and moved to Los Angeles when pressed he’ll say he’s from the San Francisco area, it’s close enough for those who don’t matter.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It also follows rule number one- don’t get attached. If they don’t know him that well they’re less likely to go fishing for information they don’t need to know.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This is Cole Phelps’ story, told piece by piece.</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>His parents had met in the city, where his father hoped to make his fortune, and his mother hoped to get an education. They both admired each other’s goals, but ultimately neither were to be, and Richard Phelps moved back to Larkspur with his fiancee deciding that simply taking the offer to inherit his father’s shop was a better option.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hannah Phelps (no maiden name thank you very much) was a San Fran girl, born and bred. She had a brain that her husband said positively </span>
  <em>
    <span>sparkled</span>
  </em>
  <span>, unfortunately for Hannah her parents were far more interested in her brother.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hannah Phelps got a university education, she read all the books, and thought deeply on them, discussing them with her husband when she needed another ear. She got no piece of paper at the end of it though.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In that way she was like her youngest son, forged herself into what she wanted piece by piece, by dint of hard work, but at the end if someone looked too hard it would all crumble without that one piece of paper.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Naturally, therefore, Cole’s parents were eager to ensure he wasn’t treated any </span>
  <em>
    <span>worse</span>
  </em>
  <span>, any differently in the ways that mattered from his brother just because they hadn’t realised yet that he was a boy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He gets quite a lot of freedom in his childhood, and it’s pretty nice for him before he figures it all out.</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“When am </span>
  <em>
    <span>I</span>
  </em>
  <span> going to grow a thingy?” Cole asks one day, he’s five and Jack is eight. It’s bath time, and in the attempt to save both effort, time, and money Cole and Jack are sharing a bath. Their mother is ensuring that Cole’s hair is suitably washed when he drops that question.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean sweetie?” she asks, not picking up on what Cole even means at first.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jack’s got one, because he’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>older</span>
  </em>
  <span>, so when am </span>
  <em>
    <span>I </span>
  </em>
  <span>going to get one?” It’s a puzzle that’s been puzzling him for some time, but not one he’s put a lot of thought into, there are better things to think about, like working out what was the last book to be read judging by the minute differences in the placement of the books on the shelf.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Or what’s for dinner, that’s an important question to young Cole too.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re not honey,” his mother tells him, chuckling a little, “You’re either born with one or you’re not,”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Oh, well at least he can stop wondering about it Cole guesses. He wonders </span>
  <em>
    <span>why</span>
  </em>
  <span> not him briefly, but then Jack’s splashing him so he’s got to splash his brother back, and his mother is laughing at them both.</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>He tells his father he wants a new name at age 12. His chest has started coming in- so to speak- and everything is feeling increasingly wrong. He’s being more and more separated from the boys at school and he’s now so desperate to make </span>
  <em>
    <span>something</span>
  </em>
  <span> feel right so he’s latching onto what he can.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His parents lax attitude to gender roles had given Cole a lot of wiggle room, and space to ignore the uncomfortable feelings, but nothing seems to be able to pause the horrific march of puberty.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I want a new name,” he tells his father when he arrives in his father’s shop as opposed to going straight home from school.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He loves the shop, loves doing inventories and catalogues, and his father seems to love the company.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jack and his mother seem to find it amusing how much time he spends in there, but they never give him any stick for it. Not like he’s overheard some people saying it’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>funny</span>
  </em>
  <span> how much time a girl spends dealing with numbers in a hardware store.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why so?” His father asks amused from where he’s sitting at the counter, “and put your bag into the back please,”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cole does so, and also drags out another stool and the inventory book to come and sit next to his father.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t like it,” he tells his father simply, “It’s a </span>
  <em>
    <span>girl’s </span>
  </em>
  <span>name,” he adds a little bitterly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t let your mother hear you talking like that,” his father tells him cheerfully, if not a little sternly, “there is absolutely </span>
  <em>
    <span>nothing</span>
  </em>
  <span> wrong with being a girl, why shouldn’t you have a girls name?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Because </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m</span>
  </em>
  <span> not a girl,” he tells his father, and he’s trying to keep this light, to keep this like it’s painfully obvious, because it kind of feels like that to him, but the other kids at school have laughed at him for saying this, and he doesn’t want his father to laugh at him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’s got his father’s full attention now, Richard Phelps is always a man invested in what his children have to say, but there’s a difference between that and </span>
  <em>
    <span>this</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What makes you say that?” His father asks him hesitantly, “Your mother and I have always told you that you can do whatever you like in this house, even if people tell you it’s just for boys. You don’t need to be a boy to do boy things honey,”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not a girl- it sucks, and it’s not fair that </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jack</span>
  </em>
  <span> doesn’t have to have his chest go all puffy!” Cole says, he’s trying not to shout, but tears are prickling in his eyes. He forces them back though because boys don’t cry, and he’s a </span>
  <em>
    <span>boy</span>
  </em>
  <span> no matter what Matt Robinson, or Lucy Gordon say.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No one tells Jack he’s not a boy just </span>
  <em>
    <span>because</span>
  </em>
  <span>, I know I’m a boy! I know it! You’re all just wrong!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” his father says simply, cutting off anything else Cole might have begun to say.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You say you’re a boy, have you talked to your mother about this? Because if I </span>
  <em>
    <span>do</span>
  </em>
  <span> give you a new name, I can’t just do it. I’d have to have a serious discussion with your mother about it. This household is a democracy after all.” His dad tacks on at the end, a little joke.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I told her that being a girl is awful and she said she agreed, but that didn’t mean we should just roll over.” Cole confesses.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That startles a laugh out of his father, who chuckles and ruffles Cole’s hair a little.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That certainly sounds like her, you going to listen to your mother?” his father asks him, and while he’s no longer looking at Cole with all that intense scrutiny in his eyes Cole still hears it in his voice.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s not </span>
  <em>
    <span>rolling over</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Cole replies determinedly, “I </span>
  <em>
    <span>am</span>
  </em>
  <span> a boy, I’m not giving up just because it’s tough-  boys don’t give up!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sometimes they do,” his father says absently looking at the shop, but Cole doesn’t really acknowledge that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cole Phelps has always been stubborn and determined, Richard Phelps may have decided stability was worth giving up to take the easy path, but stability has never really been an option for Cole.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cole won’t give up. A dog with a bone, his parents will sometimes fondly call him, and pigheadedly stubborn when they’re more exasperated.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His father gives him another considering glance,</span>
</p><p><span>“You know if you go around telling everyone you’re a boy there will be people out there who will want to hurt you. Really want to hurt you.” a sigh, “So I ask you this kiddo, is it </span><em><span>worth</span></em> <em><span>it</span></em><span>?”</span></p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Before Cole can give his reply he’s being shooed out of the shop to go tell his mother that his father’s going to be home early for dinner.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Cole won’t answer today, but it’s something he’ll think about, late at night staying up unable to sleep.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It will roll over into a young man who will pursue what he thinks is right, what is correct even when it’s hard, even when it hurts.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Los Angeles will be all the better for it, the innocent people of Sugar Loaf Hill will not.</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s a few weeks later and Cole is sitting in the car alone with his mother. They’re driving to go and pick up a present for his father’s birthday, and he’s excited because he’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>finally</span>
  </em>
  <span> been allowed to sit in the front seat now that there’s no Jack, or his father to take the place.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why do you say you’re a boy honey?” His mother asks him out of nowhere, sounding tired.”Because if anyone said you can’t do anything because you’re a girl, just send them to me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s not about that,” Cole says a little petulant- although it kind of is. The boys have been increasingly weird about him playing with them. “No one tries to tell dad or Jack that </span>
  <em>
    <span>they’re</span>
  </em>
  <span> girls, so why do people keep telling me. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m</span>
  </em>
  <span> me, surely I’d know better than them!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His mother looks a little sad, but she nods.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t really understand, but I guess you’d know a little better about you than I do. You know I’ll love you whoever you are sweetie?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cole nods, a little awkwardly, because he appreciates it- but he’s also twelve and getting a bit old for this.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Later that night when Cole’s tucked up in bed Hannah and Richard Phelps have a talk. It’s a fruitful discussion, Hannah lays out her fears if they let Cole tell everyone he’s a boy, Richard lays out his fears of what will happen to Cole if they keep telling him he’s wrong.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Larkspur is a small town. They decide on the name “Cole”- they’d talked about it when he’d first asked for a new name-, and they decide to keep it in the house.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The next morning although it’s Richard Phelps’ birthday the real gift of the day is given to Cole, a new name.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jack is told under no uncertain terms that he is not to tell </span>
  <em>
    <span>anybody</span>
  </em>
  <span> about this. He’s taken aside privately by their father who explains it all, and it goes over pretty well.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jack has always been a laid back boy, and he’s always been loyal to those he cares about. He asks his father what he thinks he does all day anyway to think he’d spend his time gossiping about his little brother.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jack tells Cole that Jack is a better name than Cole because it’s worth more points in scrabble. The two boys get into a tussle and are both sent to their rooms until they apologise.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Privately Richard and Hannah think it could be far, far worse.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Unfortunately they spent so much time trying to enforce the importance and reasons behind the secrecy into Jack, they forgot about trying to convey how important it was to </span>
  <em>
    <span>Cole.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>There’s only so much you want to tell a twelve year old after all.</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cole’s been wearing his hair shorter for a few years, and it’s at the point now where it could barely be called a bob. His mother won’t let him get it done with a razor at the barbers, and the hairdresser always refuses to cut it any shorter than this.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’s 12 and a bit, and he’s fed up. He’d hoped things would change after he told his parents, but despite them calling him Cole and “he” whenever they’re alone, referring to him and Jack as “boys” they still seem to act like he’s a girl whenever he’s outside the house.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He kind of gets it but it still rankles, and he hates that all the other kids treat him as a girl.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Things come to a head the day he gets his first period. His mother had warned him, but he still wasn’t really ready for it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He spends about 30 minutes crying in his room when he sees the red in his pants, and then he goes and sneaks into Jack’s room to take the smallest of his clothes. He grabs a hat too while he’s at it, and plonks it over his offending hair.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Once he’s dressed and almost feels </span>
  <em>
    <span>right</span>
  </em>
  <span> - except he doesn’t because there’s blood in his pants, he takes a deep breath and steps out of the house.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’s headed to the park, and one gentleman calls out a “good morning son!” as he passes and Cole feels like he could almost burst from happiness.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There are several other kids running about- including Marie Johnson in the year above who Cole’s started finding kind of pretty recently, but Cole ignores her to go and play with the boys.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That is until one of the parents of his classmates arrives and promptly shrieks upon seeing him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“[</span>
  <b>redacted, it’s not a name you need to know</b>
  <span>] Phelps!” She shouts, “Does your mother know you’ve left the house looking like- like-” she stops, seemingly lost for words.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“-no,” Cole says reluctantly, because it’s true, although why does she </span>
  <em>
    <span>care</span>
  </em>
  <span> anyway? He’s a boy, his mother </span>
  <em>
    <span>knows</span>
  </em>
  <span> he’s a boy, why shouldn’t he be able to go out like one?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s the wrong thing to say, and the mother seizes him by the arm and drags him back to his house to knock angrily on the door.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s actually the right thing to say, makes it easier to pass it off as one childish mistake, but at the time all Cole sees is that he’s being told off for being a boy, which is stupid because he is one.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I saw </span>
  <em>
    <span>her</span>
  </em>
  <span> dressed out in the park like this! I thought I better let you know immediately!” the mother is shouting at his own now, who’s looking rather harried.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Next thing he knows he’s being passed over to be dragged inside by his mother who is fuming.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What were you thinking?!” She asks- shouts, “Do you want-” she stops suddenly, all wind gone out of her sails.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You can’t do that again Cole, people will think we’re bad parents. We just want to keep you </span>
  <em>
    <span>safe</span>
  </em>
  <span> okay?” Cole doesn’t notice it but his mother is close to tears, his brother who’s watching from the kitchen does pick up on it however.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jack also picks up on the anger and the hurt brimming up in Cole’s own eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Many years later Cole will play this interaction over in his own mind, and he’ll appreciate what his mother was trying to do. However now at age 12 all he feels is hurt and let down and </span>
  <em>
    <span>wrong</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Increasingly wrong with the blood still leaking into his pants</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t tell your father about this okay Cole? No point in worrying him over nothing. You too Jack- don’t think I don’t see you standing there.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His mother goes to the bookshelf, absently running her hand over the many spines. “I think you should play inside today Cole.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That night when Cole goes to bed Jack’s old shirt- his favourite that he’d kept even though it didn’t really fit- is lying on his bed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It suits you better,” Jack shrugs when they’re brushing their teeth the next morning.</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Next spring when spring cleaning comes around, and Jack’s gone through a growth spurt Hannah Phelps goes to throw out- give away- some of Jack’s and Cole’s old clothes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jack goes along with it until they’re standing on the lawn whereupon he loudly declares so the neighbours can hear that maybe they shouldn’t chuck his old clothes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She spends so much time in the hardware store with dad, and at home too, I think it would be good for her to have some old clothes to do some work in- right mom?” Jack asks very loudly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It would be good for her to have some old clothes for helping out in the shop yeah,” Cole’s father agrees. His mother hums, and if you look closely you can see a proud little smile playing on her face.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean it though Cole,” his mother tells him once they’re back inside, father standing behind her nodding, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Only</span>
  </em>
  <span> inside the house ok? Maybe at the shop too if your father’s okay with it. No repeat of Mrs Gordon please.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cole nods, bitterness at that memory forgotten in the chance to be just that little bit more him, even if only in private.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>So it continues, there’s still some tension between Cole and his mother about how far he can be </span>
  <em>
    <span>Cole</span>
  </em>
  <span> outside of the house.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>What Cole doesn’t know is that Hannah Phelps is trying to reach out to all her friends in San Francisco to see what people in the big city might know about a boy like Cole.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She doesn’t say so in so many words- even in her letters, a paper trail can be dangerous, but she is trying to help. It’s another one of those things that Cole won’t learn to appreciate for many years to come.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Cole’s fifteen Jack is eighteen, and when Jack’s eighteen and a bit he moves away.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>San Francisco and the city are calling, and possibly college too, though not really. It’s expensive and as their mother always says it’s only worth it if you want the piece of paper anyway.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Turns out Jack wants to be a doctor, so they all agree the paper is very much worth it.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Hannah and Richard Phelps are gifted with not one, but two incredibly intelligent sons, and Jack would make a fine doctor. He cared about people and wanted to help them, maybe he was influenced slightly by his brother, maybe he took a certain conversation from his youth with his father to heart.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It could be said that Jack Phelps cared about other people a tad too much, but that’s to be continued at a later time.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>But suddenly Cole is alone in the house, and it makes tongues wag less about him picking up shifts in his father's store, but the steady supply of Jack’s clothes is now dried up.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strike>
    <span>If he’s also sad to have lost a life long friend then he’s a man so he doesn’t talk about that.</span>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Cole keeps his chest as flat as possible, even though it sometimes makes his father give him sympathetic looks, and his mother, worried ones.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It hurts too, sometimes, but having his chest there, knowing it’s there and that other people can see it- hurts too, hurts more.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hurts in ways he can’t quite convey to his mother who clucks when she sees the bruises on his ribs, or when his father says “when I said it would hurt I didn’t mean like this…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’s at the store, and he’s working in the back, doing inventory, shifting crates and wearing some of Jack’s older and less nice stuff. His father had popped out to go to the bank leaving Cole in charge of the store, but with the tacit understanding that he wouldn’t go out front unless he </span>
  <em>
    <span>had </span>
  </em>
  <span>to.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Just his luck to hear the bell above the door jingle.</span>
</p><p> </p><p><span>He dusts himself off, and goes to see if he can help the customer - assuming they don’t have a conniption at the sight of a </span><strike><span>girl</span></strike> <em><span>man</span></em><span> wearing a pair of trousers.</span></p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He recognises the young girl in the shop, it’s Marie Johnson from the year above, and if Phelps had thought her pretty when he was younger he definitely still does now. She’s a little awkward maybe, they all are around him, but she’s still so stunning that he finds himself putting his best smile on just for her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can I help you Miss?” he asks, trying to surreptitiously check if he still has any dust on his person.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I want to paint a mural,” she tells him seriously, “so I was wondering if you could have anything which would help with that?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, we’ve got lots of paint- and paint for walls too!” He tells her eagerly, and then feels like a fucking idiot and a fool.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marie smiles though, “That’s what I was hoping you’d say,” and laughs a little.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cole hovers around, trying to look like he’s not hovering as she picks out some colours- white, yellow, red, and blue- “You can make all the colours you want from these Phelps,” she tells him and then he goes to ring her up.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The queue must be longer in the bank than he thought.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re not like the other girls at school are you Phelps?” she says ponderously, looking him up and down. Cole feels his heart start beating in his chest but he can’t work out whether it’s from fear or- something </span>
  <em>
    <span>else</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nah,” Marie continues lightly, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>You’re</span>
  </em>
  <span> far too pretty to be like them, be seeing you around,” and he’s treated to another megawatt smile from Marie that he feels almost lights him up from the inside out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cole doesn’t stop smiling for the rest of the day, and he feels like he’s floating. Marie’s parting words almost feel like a promise.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>After their encounter in the shop Marie will sometimes come up to him at school. Cole had never been popular, tarnished his reputation early by wanting to play with the boys, and he’d never been one to play with the girls, despite his mother’s lectures on the fact that being girly wasn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>wrong</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marie wasn’t a popular girl, but she’d certainly had friends from what Cole could discern.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Point being, she didn’t need </span>
  <em>
    <span>Cole</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But she’s walking over to him now, and his heart is hammering and wow. Maybe he shouldn’t have teased Jack so much.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks for the paint Phelps, I have high hopes for the elementary school wall,” She tells him cheerfully.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, you know, just doing my job,” He responds, trying to play it cool, can barely believe Marie would want to be friends with </span>
  <em>
    <span>him</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So what happened to your funky get up?” Marie asks him, “seems pretty different to what you were wearing yesterday,”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cole doesn’t really want to talk about this, so he just shrugs, “Work place, work clothes, you know the drill.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marie just nods at that, like it makes sense, and he breathes out like he’s dodged a bullet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then suddenly she’s leaning in, and her mouth is warm against his ear.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t tell the others, but I think you looked real pretty yesterday- better than now,” Marie tells him before leaning back, “Now that was a secret Phelps so don’t go ‘round spreading it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You want to know a secret too Marie?” Cole asks before he can catch himself, the back and forth feeling easy,</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think it suits me more too,” then at a louder volume, “Good luck with your mural, feel free to come back if you need more paint,”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marie smiles at him once more, and then she walks off.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Later, after the war and everything that brings Cole will think back on this moment and feel bad. Because Marie Phelps might love Cole Phelps, but he wasn’t the man who she fell in love with. But in </span>
  <em>
    <span>this</span>
  </em>
  <span> moment, Cole feels </span>
  <em>
    <span>amazing</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s in bio class that it hits him. He’s dutifully taking notes, because both his parents have always impressed the importance of school and doing as well as you can upon him. Besides, he likes notes, likes having everything neatly jotted down so he can go back to it later.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They’re talking about hormones, testosterone makes men men, and estrogen makes women women. The teacher takes a moment to stare out across all of them and warn the boys about the dangers of taking testosterone pills to make them “more manly”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It doesn’t work, Cole hears that phrase and thinks he may have found his salvation. He’s sixteen years old, he’s easily old enough to start getting a beard.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’s been working on getting his voice low for a while, his mother had laughed and said it sounded like he had taken up smoking, his father had rubbed his hair, and Jack had said he was proud Cole’s balls had finally dropped when he rang up his brother on the phone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But it’s not enough, and the idea that he could get more… well it’s intoxicating.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s a thing most associated with side shows, sure, but sometimes in his darker moments Cole can’t help but feel like a bit of a freak show himself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He posits the possibility to his mother one day- when she’s reading, because that’s always when she’s in a better room.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, I think I’ve heard of that Cole,” she tells him mildly, looking up from her book, but not putting it down.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So would you let me- can I </span>
  <em>
    <span>do </span>
  </em>
  <span>it?” He asks, almost giddy with excitement at the idea of being able to grow a beard, and not talk so his chest hurts, and just the idea of a pill which could </span>
  <em>
    <span>truly</span>
  </em>
  <span> turn him into a man.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Not in Larkspur Cole,” His mother says and laughs, it’s not a nice thing, it’s bitter and full of edges, and it puts Cole on edge. He retreats even though there’s more he wants to say and instead waits for his father to return home.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Cole has left the room Hannah will go to where she keeps her letters tucked away on the bookshelves and look through them. She’ll look at the details from acquaintances who have talked about testosterone and hormones and ways to change you.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Most of them are in the same sentence as the phrase “conversion therapy” or “</span>
  <em>
    <span>cure”</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Cole thinks he’s so grown up but to Hannah he’s still a child. Maybe one day she’ll give him these letters, but now all she can think of is keeping her son safe and out of the hands of people who want to hurt him.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Later Cole will accost his father as he comes through the door, and tells him much the same as he told his mother.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“-and she said not in Larkspur,” Cole finishes, “But she also says only inside the house, so how does </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> even work?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Come help me with dinner Cole,” his father tells him, instead of responding to the myriad of things that have just come out of his son’s mouth. Cole does so, knowing his father often just needs some time to decide what words he wants to say.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They stand in silence scrubbing potatoes, Cole refuses to break first and waits for his father to speak. Eventually, he does.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you remember the day you came storming into the shop and asked for a new name?” his father asks him, small amused smile on his face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>storm</span>
  </em>
  <span> in,” Cole argues, but nods.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sure you didn’t kiddo,” and his father grins more, before it abruptly drops off his face, all joviality gone. “And do you remember that I told you that if you started telling everyone you were a boy that you were going to get hurt?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cole nods slowly, not quite sure where this is going.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If you start growing a beard in </span>
  <em>
    <span>Larkspur </span>
  </em>
  <span>Cole you can forget about </span>
  <em>
    <span>hurt</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Your mother and I are going to find you hanging from a tree with blood all down your legs- and not a </span>
  <em>
    <span>single</span>
  </em>
  <span> cop is going to care.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A pause, “Do you understand me Cole? I- </span>
  <em>
    <span>we</span>
  </em>
  <span> want you to be happy, and we love you. Maybe one day, maybe in a big city away from here you can be Cole Phelps, proud owner of a beard. But if we let you go on pills we’ve as good as gone and signed your death warrant. I know it’s not what you want to hear son, but it’s the truth.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cole doesn’t know what to say, and it’s all he can do to nod. For the first time in a while he really feels </span>
  <em>
    <span>scared</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His father sighs. “I don’t want to scare you Cole, but you’re sixteen, you’re old enough. We talked to Jack about this when you first changed names, so he would have been fifteen. I don’t want to scare you, but you need to </span>
  <em>
    <span>know</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I know you think you do, but you </span>
  <em>
    <span>don’t</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Your mother and I,” here his father pauses, both in speech and in his scrubbing of potatoes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> “When we were in San Francisco we had a mutual friend. He was- he liked other men- in the biblical sense. He got his face smashed in. That was in </span>
  <em>
    <span>San Francisco</span>
  </em>
  <span>, this is Larkspur and I think the folks here are going to take to you even less than they would to him. It’s not up to me or your mother to tell you who you are, but while we’re your parents we’re going to do what we can to protect you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cole nods again, still doesn’t trust his words.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’d like to have </span>
  <em>
    <span>two</span>
  </em>
  <span> sons when I’m old Cole, and if that means I sometimes have to pretend I have a daughter then so be it.” He takes the remaining potatoes off of Cole, “Now why don’t you go call your brother? You were out the last time he rang.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With that Cole is ushered out of the room and towards the telephone. He wants to call Jack anyway, wants to pick apart the “we talked to Jack about this when he was fifteen” wants to know why Jack didn’t tell him, wants to thank him that he didn’t, he doesn’t know.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maybe he just wants to share the news.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With still shaking hands he dials the number and waits for the phone to pick up.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Cole’s eighteen he thinks he might cry.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His parents tell him that if he leaves Larkspur he needs to think long and hard about whether he’s coming back. They tell him if he goes on the pills that he </span>
  <em>
    <span>can’t</span>
  </em>
  <span> come back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The talk from two years ago floats around in his head and he doesn’t get mad or angry or upset like he might have done before. He understands what they’re trying to say.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>In the future Marie won’t quite understand, still reeling from the rejection of her </span>
  <em>
    <span>own</span>
  </em>
  <span> parents.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Thing is, his parents seem to get it- and there’s no space in Larkspur for Cole Phelps. He’s a puzzle.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Either he truly becomes Cole, and he leaves Larkspur before he winds up hanging from a rope- </span>
  <em>
    <span>or</span>
  </em>
  <span> he stays in Larkspur and the same thing happens, except it’ll be one of his own making and it won’t be Cole hanging, it’ll be some random girl who his parents don’t know.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Either way there’s no future for him here, not unless he gets real desperate to be acquainted with the feeling of rope around his neck.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>So he’s eighteen, and he thinks he might cry but he can’t tell if from happiness or from fear.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’s got until he finishes school to really make up his mind anway, a September birthday he’s got pretty much the whole of his final year ahead of him. Worst come to worst he can probably crash with Jack for a bit in San Fran, but ideally he needs to have a plan </span>
  <em>
    <span>before</span>
  </em>
  <span> he leaves town.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Hannah Phelps sits down her son and gives over the stack of letters she’s collected over the years- almost. She’s removed the ones she finds unhelpful or needlessly cruel, and tells him she hopes he can find what he needs in there.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Richard Phelps looks through his ledger that has a “Cole Phelps” marked down as having done inventory for the past 6 years, it’s nepotism sure, but it’s something for Cole to have behind him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then for his birthday they drive the three hours to San Francisco to legally change his name. They say it’s a religious thing, and it’s San Francisco and no one really cares. Now for all the world to know Cole is well and truly Cole but it goes unspoken amongst them that all the world does </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> include Larkspur.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You ever think of picking a better name than </span>
  <em>
    <span>Cole</span>
  </em>
  <span>?” Jack asks him, nudging him in the ribs on the way out, “Unique opportunity this, getting to pick your own name and you go with </span>
  <em>
    <span>Cole</span>
  </em>
  <span>!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Just because you’re annoyed you got saddled with </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jack</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Cole retorts sticking out his own tongue, and it’s childish, but it’s freeing. He’s in some of Jack’s own clothes, having quickly changed in the courthouse bathrooms as they left and he’s in a city where nobody knows him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He wonders if this is what leaving Larkspur is going to feel like all the time.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>He goes back to Jack’s place while his parents go to catch up with some of their own old friends, and it’s just so nice to finally spend some time with his brother like he hasn’t been able to properly in years.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When he steps through the doors he’s quickly and briefly introduced as “My little brother, Cole,” and he thinks his chest might burst.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Both from emotion and literally, his ribs ache most of the time these days, but it’s worth it for him to be seen as a </span>
  <em>
    <span>brother</span>
  </em>
  <span> and have no one question it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You want to go on the pills when you leave town right?” Jack asks him, once he’s double checked the door to his room is firmly shut.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, you spoke to mom and dad?” Cole asks him easily.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jack snorts in response, “I spoke to </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> Cole, surely you remember when you called me up barely able to breathe because dad finally told you that you could wind up more than just </span>
  <em>
    <span>a little hurt</span>
  </em>
  <span> by all this?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cole shrugs, because yeah, but it had been two years ago. Besides it’s not a memory or conversation he’s fond of, and he shrugs because he’d be pretty happy pretending it never happened.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s not a conversation you forget Cole, not one like that. But yeah I’ve spoken a little to our parents too. I’ve spoken around to some, doctors, too. All very discrete before you get that look on your face.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“About the pills?” Cole blurts out, barely daring to hope.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, not about those, they’re not- they’re not exactly reputable Cole, it’s risky asking. Besides you’d have to keep going back and </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> should probably- anyway no.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Then, what?” Cole asks confused, but still kind of intrigued.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You wrap your chest right Cole?” Jack asks, looking kind of awkward but determined.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cole has never felt quite so embarrassed in a conversation with his brother in his life, and curls over a little as if to pretend it doesn’t exit.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’s it to you?” he asks, sounding braver than he feels.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“To me Cole? Not much. To you continued good health however, it’s worth  a lot to that. Look whatever you’re doing it’s not sustainable, don’t think I don’t hear you wheezing when your climbing stairs, it never used to be like that, and in all my reading I don’t think it’s healthy-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So! You’re not the one </span>
  <em>
    <span>stuck</span>
  </em>
  <span> with them.” Cole hisses out, careful to keep his volume down in case any of Jack’s roommates are listening in. “I </span>
  <em>
    <span>need</span>
  </em>
  <span> to do this-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Calm down Cole, jeesh,” Jack tells him waving his hands, “I’m not saying you got to stop, just be careful alright? Now what I was actually trying to say is that I think I might have found someone who’ll be able to remove them, okay? We’ll have to play our cards </span>
  <em>
    <span>very  </span>
  </em>
  <span>carefully, maybe grease some palms, official line there’s something growing in them or something, but how would you-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cole cuts off his brother before he can continue by rocketing forward to hug his brother. He doesn’t care about rules of affection or anything right now, all he can think is his brother’s found a way to get his- his </span>
  <em>
    <span>fat bags</span>
  </em>
  <span>- off of him and that in this moment he can’t think of anything he wants more.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’d be stuck in bed for at least a month, probably two, and not good for much else after, so- so you’ll need to be planning on leaving Larkspur for good Cole. And it could be dangerous, so I need you to promise me you’ll actually really </span>
  <em>
    <span>think</span>
  </em>
  <span> on this. But for your sake I hope it’s good, okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cole nods, though in his mind he’s certainly already made his decision. He doesn’t care how small or risky, if there’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>any</span>
  </em>
  <span> chance of fixing his chest he’s taking it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Now tell me about school you nerd, probably too obsessed with your notes to take any attention of the girls anyway.” Jack says, returning back to their friendly ribbing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cole rolls his eyes, because who does Jack think he’s calling a nerd when his brother is </span>
  <em>
    <span>literally</span>
  </em>
  <span> in medical school, but obliges anway. If he mentions Marie a few times then what does it matter.</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Benefits of Cole being eighteen and in his last year of school include more freedom at school, the fact that it’s his last year and the possibility of leaving Larkspur. Cons, he’s probably going to have to leave the town where his parents live, and there’s no real possibility of them being able to leave too. Also Marie Johnson is no longer attending school, she’s doing a secretary course a few hours away, and it’s becoming increasingly difficult for Cole to have reason to speak to her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Of course as fate would have it be bumps into her, him trailing home from closing up shop when his dad had gone home early, and her daintily stepping off the bus.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Phelps,” She calls when she sees him, smile lighting up her face. Cole wishes he could say that </span>
  <em>
    <span>he</span>
  </em>
  <span> put it there.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I haven’t seen you in a while, but look at you, pretty as ever,” and that does weird things to Cole’s chest even if he’s not quite sure how he feels being called </span>
  <em>
    <span>pretty</span>
  </em>
  <span>, it’s different when </span>
  <em>
    <span>Marie</span>
  </em>
  <span> thinks so.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Me? Hah nah,” and he lets out a little chuckle, gesturing at his work clothes, “You’re </span>
  <em>
    <span>pretty</span>
  </em>
  <span>- and all your friends too,” he tacks on at the end, not wanting to come across the wrong way. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh people move on Phelps,” she says, sounding kind of sad, but not as sad as Cole would have expected, “ It’s not always the people you expect who stay your friends. Case in point, I had a picnic planned for tomorrow, even got most of the food all ready! And then Millie and Gloria go and cancel on me. So now I’ve got all this food, and a lovely spot picked out, but no one to go with? How about it, some girls time with just the two of us?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cole can feel something recoil inside him at the word “girls time” and if it were anyone else but Marie, he would say no. But he wants to spend time with her, and he doesn’t want to be added to the list of people who have let her down, so he nods and if anything her smile seems to grow.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Come swing ‘round my house at 9am tomorrow then, and I’ll show you the way,” then she gives him a little wave and she walks off into the night.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Bring your trousers!” she shouts over her shoulder once she’s a little distance away, and then she doesn’t look back again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cole watches her go, and only once has she faded into the distance does he continue home himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>He leaves the house early, he leaves the house in his house clothes without his parents knowing. Cole knows they’d worry if he left in trousers and a shirt- men’s trousers and shirt, especially to go have a picnic with another girl of all things, but- well firstly he hates going in dresses, and secondly Marie had </span>
  <em>
    <span>asked</span>
  </em>
  <span> him to. Besides, who knows where this place is, Cole doesn’t want to have to focus on not flashing people every five seconds of the day.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He hasn’t even told them he’s meeting Marie to be honest, because he thinks he knows how they’d react. His father had an awkward conversation in which he said at least Cole would never be getting anyone pregnant, but he should still be careful and think about whether a pretty girl was really worth the potential consequences, for her </span>
  <em>
    <span>and </span>
  </em>
  <span> for him- especially for him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His mother probably feels much the same.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>In fact Hannah Phelps has long suspected that Cole has had a thing for a specific girl, although she doesn’t know who. She worries about it, less so now they’re in Larkspur where Cole knows the risks, but in the wider world where really any kind of intimacy is likely to be risky for Cole. She worries because she doesn’t want her son to be alone, but she wants him to be safe, and it’s a conversation she’s not really sure how to carry out.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Cole doesn’t know this, naturally- he’s never been told-  and currently he’s sneaking out of the house to go and meet Marie. The important thing, he thinks, is keeping his face down. Because Larkspur is small enough that everyone will recognise him upon sight, or even upon hearing, but it’s not small enough that seeing the back of an unknown teenage boy is viewed with suspicion.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marie is waiting outside her door when he arrives, basked in hand and perched upon a folded up blanket. Her dress is a yellow that blends with her hair and Cole really thinks that maybe he might be in love.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Want me to carry anything?” He offers, it feels only right, he </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> a man even if Marie’s not aware, and besides, he feels the urge to do nice things for her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She foists off the blanket onto him, and keeps hold of the basket before dragging him by the arm down the street.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>They arrive about an hour later, and Cole sees why </span>
  <em>
    <span>he </span>
  </em>
  <span>got the blanket. Damn thing was a pain in the ass to carry, kept slipping and sliding, but now they’re here and it’s a nice site. It’s flat, and there are some trees to give some shade. It’s also decently far out of the way, and Cole is secretly glad, because this way there’s less chance of someone stumbling across them and reporting back to his parents that their “daughter” is wearing pants again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But <strike>she’s</strike>  he's not 12 anymore, so it wouldn’t be cute, it would just be concerning.</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You look really good like that -- [as the narrator I have removed Cole’s old and incorrect name, everyone present in choosing the name has since deemed it irrelevant and so have I]” Marie tells him, “the trousers.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cole feels a shy smile break out on his face, “Nothing compared to you,” he says and laughs awkwardly, “Honestly, you look so… radiant? I don’t know, yellow’s good on you Marie,” he says honestly, and then feels unsure. Is this how it works? Complimenting girls.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m glad you like this dress, I wore it for you after all,” Marie tells him, and then before Cole can really process that she’s moving on, “But you’re a funny one Phelps, because you’re such a pretty girl, and you wear pretty dresses, but then once they’re on you it just all looks wrong. But when you’re like this…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They’re sitting down on the blanket, and Marie stops pulling out food from her basket. She moves over to him where he’s sitting and reaches for his hand.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Tell me if this is wrong --,” and suddenly there’s the feeling of lips on his own and the smell of her shampoo and her hair in his nose.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Call me Cole,” he says, and then he’s kissing back.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Let's say there was less eating of food and daintily discussing secretarial work or marriage than Marie’s parents may have hoped, and far more </span>
  <em>
    <span>other</span>
  </em>
  <span> things, but the complete details are for Cole and Marie to know.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They both leave feeling alive in a way that they haven’t quite known, and it’s definitely the beginning of </span>
  <em>
    <span>something</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Whether it was good or bad remains to be seen.</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cole’s buzzing for about a week after he sees Marie and then keeps buzzing once he sees her again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marie calls him Cole whenever they’re alone, and stops calling him a “Pretty girl” and he thinks his heart might just burst.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s after he meets Marie’s own parents that he thinks perhaps he should get around to informing his own that he has a girlfriend. He knows that Jack had been strictly informed to let them both know of any important ladies in his life when moving to the big city, and Cole can’t help but feel obliged to do the same.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’s not introduced as Cole to Marie’s parents, it’s risky because everyone knows each other in Larkspur, and he can’t help but think that in San Francisco he could be Cole and no one would ever know where he came from.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’s wearing a dress too as he steps through the door, and he’s playing every part of the young lady, the friend from school. He reaches for Marie’s hand under the table and she brushes her fingers against his before whipping her hand away again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s this moment, this dinner with Marie and her parents, particularly in conjunction with his birthday dinner at Jack’s and his roommates that solidifies in Cole’s mind that he needs to get out of Larkspur.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’d been briefly considering whether it was worth staying in the town for a little longer after he finished school to try and get some capital, but this if anything has shown him that it isn’t.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><hr/><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>It could be potentially argued that Cole messes up by bringing Marie over to his parents house. Cole Phelps had thought that it would be easier to bring Marie over, and then explain the whole relationship to his parents.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This is not the case, as soon as his parents hesitate over what to call him, and Cole tells them that he’s told Marie to call him Cole he can spot the horrified look on their faces.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hannah and Richard Phelps are worried that talk will spread, they’re a little worried at how fast Cole had given up his deepest secret, and they’re worried about how a relationship like this will last in Larkspur. Cole, having had a few years to better understand the intricate nature of his parents' concern and support, mostly understands and offers up many apologies later.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marie Johnson definitely takes the wrong message out of this night. She both admires Cole’s boldness in informing his parents of who he is, who he’s dating without considering the difference between his parents and her own.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She also takes his parents' fear and worry of the specifics of this relationship as general disapproval, and struggles to understand in later years why Cole still seems to want to have anything to do with them.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Suffice to say, neither of the “meet the parents!” dinners go particularly well. But Cole loves Marie, and Marie loves Cole and they’re happy.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Things come to a head again in April. Marie’s parents want to know when she’s thinking of getting married, increasingly fed up of her shaking them off, and she cracks and tells them she’s not getting married to any of the men her parents offer up because she’s already fallen for a girl.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A black eye and a suitcase later she’s outside the Phelps’ residence and that’s where things pick up.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t leave Larkspur yet,” Cole tells her urgently, “I just need to finish School, I was going to move to San Francisco in September, but I can move in June if you need me to, but I need to graduate, Marie. I can’t support me- us- I- I need to graduate. If you stay here people are going to talk, I doubt your parents will keep quiet for long,” Cole tells her honestly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He feels terrible, because all he wants is to help her, but he’s young, and he needs his diploma, and suddenly he understands his parents, desperately trying to keep all and any attention away from this house, because maybe if it was just talk about Marie he could deal, but as soon as it falls back onto Cole he is screwed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He thinks about his father telling him that if he’s not careful he’ll wind up hanging on a rope, and he thinks about Marie alone with nowhere to go at night.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Come in, we’ll work it out in the morning, I’ve got a few hundred in my moving out fund,” he tells her, scrimped from working at the store, and from his parents, and from any odd jobs he’s been able to get around town. It’s a fund he’s been working on since Jack went to college, and he’s viewed it as the key to his salvation ever since he was sixteen. But maybe it can be the key to Marie’s instead.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They spend the morning cuddled up in his bed, and in the morning Cole kisses her before she’s walking out in the early morning mist before any of the nosier neighbours can see her leave.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Two days later he gets a call from Marie, who’s got a down deposit on an apartment in San Francisco, and is currently trying to find a job. She keeps him updated until he graduates.</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Graduation is the best day of Cole’s life so far, if only because it means he’s never going to have to see any of these people ever again, or pretend his name is anything but Cole. He’s eighteen, nearing nineteen, and Jack’s promised him that he ought to be able to find someone to operate on his chest very very soon.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He has a beautiful girlfriend  and a place to go, he’s got references and with any luck he ought to be able to find a job, worst case he can go into study.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’s finally going to be able to live as a man, and he’s going to be able to spend time with his brother.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’s also never going to be able to set foot here as his parent’s child ever again. They’d been clear, no more daughter, only sons. No way of linking Cole to the girl he’d never really been.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Larkspur is too small, and the risk is too great. Best thing for you is to go somewhere fresh where you can start new with no past they tell him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They tell him they love him too.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We don’t have a daughter anymore, Hannah and Richard Phelps tell the neighbours who sympathetically cluck and distantly wonder if this has any connection to that Johnson girl having to suddenly flee town, but nothing is ever said and they remain just wanderings.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The Phelps girl disappears from Larkspur, and Cole Phelps of no past, but very much a man, arrives in San Francisco where he promptly gets yet another counter job and a beautiful girlfriend.</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His first stop is a barber shop, and if the employees are a little confused why a fully grown man is so excited as if it's his first haircut they don't ask.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cole Phelps gets a reputation as being kind of sickly. But when he finally returns to work he’s able to lift much more than he had before and has two matching scars.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Getting the beard is harder than he thought it would be, but he gets married to Marie in a church, and no one thinks to question the validity of this marriage.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cole might not have the piece of paper to prove that he is a man, but like his mother’s education he was a man just same, even if he had to put himself together piece by single piece.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Marie tells him that she loves him, and that she wants kids.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cole wonders if she’d love him a little more if he could actually do that for her. The logical thing would be to adopt, but the last thing Cole wants </span>
  <span>needs</span>
  <span> is intense scrutiny into his life and his papers. That way lies </span>
  <em>
    <span>therapy</span>
  </em>
  <span> and a great deal of pain, and possibly some prison.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He talks to Marie, and he talks to Jack, and they come to an agreement which is deeply awkward and never talked about again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>San Francisco is a new life for Cole, although ultimately it’s nothing but a stop gap in the great scheme of things. Moving to L.A. far away enough where nobody will </span>
  <em>
    <span>ever</span>
  </em>
  <span> know him, or where there are no doctors who might talk about whatever thing they may have done.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marie finds out she’s pregnant with twins, and Cole’s amassed several fine beard hairs, twin scars, and enough pills to last him until he works out how to get more in L.A..</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Cole Phelps is just over nineteen years old when he moves to L.A. and little does he know that by the time he’s twenty war will have broken out.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Please feel free to comment if you enjoyed it!</p><p>This was going to be one thing going all the way up to Cole's time in traffic but it got so long I decided to split it, so the War, and everything in L.A. will almost certainly feature in the next work.</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>